“When I choose the athlete who receives the ‘Most Improved’ award, I don’t just look at their times and how much faster they got. I look for someone who has improved the most as an individual and an athlete – who has improved their mindset.”

The 2023 swim team banquet. The entire team is present, boys and girls, new and experienced, to celebrate and reflect on their performance last season.

“The ‘Most Improved’ athlete this year is…” my coach continues, the air thick with anticipatory tension. And he announces my name.

To most athletes in the room, winning the “Most Improved” award isn’t something to be proud of. It’s a bit embarrassing, actually. It means that at first, you weren’t a good athlete, that you needed to improve. This award is known as the “pity” award, not dissimilar to a participation award.

I trudge up to the front of the hall towards my coach and take the plaque from him. We shake hands firmly, and he tells me, “Congratulations. I’m proud of you.” A quick smile, and then I speed-walk back to my seat. 

My friends surround me with congratulations and smiles and jokes. Their genuine support and love for me wrap around me like a comforting blanket; my embarrassment and anxiety are lifted away for a moment. The awards ceremony continues, and the turbulent tangle of emotions I feel about my award is shoved to the back of my mind.

Eventually, the night comes to an end, and I return home. There, my parents ask me about how the banquet was, and I share little tidbits about my friends and the food. It’s my sister who tells them that I won the “Most Improved” award, and again I am met with pride, love, and congratulations. My heart is filled with warmth and love for my friends and family, and also pride for myself: I’m proud that I won that award, that my coach saw and recognized my growth throughout the season.

“Most Improved” might be less impressive compared to “Most Inspirational” or “Most Valuable Athlete,” but it’s still something to be proud of. Having room for growth is not something to be ashamed of, and growing and improving and learning: those are all impressive. 

At the beginning of the season, I was struggling with a severe depressive episode and anxiety related to my sport. I would often get panic attacks at practice and after races. This was a complete 180 turn away from my performance last year when I placed in all of my events at League Finals and anchored multiple relays. I struggled this year, a lot. And I was ashamed of my struggle.

But, I made it through the season. My performance never reached the level that it was last year, but it did get better. I faced a lot of challenges this year, and I’m proud of how I overcame them. 

Sometimes, just showing up and doing the work can feel like the most difficult thing in the world. I’m proud of myself for doing it, and I’m proud of everyone else who does it too. Never be ashamed of your growth.