“If you seek to solve every problem, you will never be satisfied.”

– mishwomishwo (me)

Life for me was okay. It wasn’t too hard, nor was it too easy. Every challenge that I came across was dampened by my mindset that it was all possible. Every challenge was just a learning opportunity that I would inevitably overcome. But I’ve only solved the first part of my life– what if it wasn’t possible? As I got older, I’ve realized that I am quite fortunate. I’m fortunate that my life hasn’t crumbled to the ground yet, and that things are OK and not bad. But the longer my life has been as monotonous as it has been, the more worried I grow that eventually everything will fall apart. I’ve been starting to doubt my future more and more, and I’ve doubted whether I am on the right path or not. Just recently, I’ve been thinking of what I will lose in success. I watch myself closely and see that things I used to love no longer become things I love. Will I ever be truly happy in the end?. Success takes sacrifices, but sometimes the sacrifices aren’t worth the success. What if my goal fades away on the path taken to achieve it? Right now I can only hope that the state I am in is temporary.

Perhaps this is all just another challenge, but only a bit more existential. I realize now as I write that there are still ways to stay confident. I think that my life, as good as it may seem, has led me to generate high expectations for the future. I think that I have lost focus on what I really want, and that I have been worrying too much about the future. I’ve been anxiously anticipating a true hardship to come my way. I just need to refocus. 

By changing my expectations I can remain confident that I will get through whatever troubles me. All I need to do is survive. All I need to do is survive… and I am confident that I will. I don’t need to do anything else. I don’t need to get into a good college, I don’t need to be famous. If things fall apart… I still have the power to survive, as long as I am alive. Let the hardships come, they won’t hurt me in the long run. It is okay for things to fall apart sometimes. Building things back up is what resilience is, and in the process, we learn so much more about ourselves. It’s all a part of learning.

Sometimes it is good to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. Writing this out helped with that, and other things like drawing pictures of nature or taking time away from everyday life helps refocus my mind. Listening to music that I like (such as Alice in Wonderland & Lumina) and taking naps are other ways to refresh. My yearning for a simple life may in fact be a fantasy, but perhaps that is what I should truly aim for. I’ve realized that I should not try to overdo myself to prevent the future, but instead just do my best and accept the future as it comes to be.