Title Image: Psychology Today

For the past few weeks, I’ve been puzzled by my English class. We’ve been reading and studying seemingly unrelated topics. These span from Shakespeare’s Othello to a vacant phone booth in the Mojave Desert. But recently, I found little bits of myself in the things we were reading, and the reflection wasn’t pretty. 

The highlight of the unit was our reading of Shakespeare’s play, Othello. The production features a side character named Roderigo, who becomes obsessed with trying to gain the favor of a beautiful woman. In doing so, he allows himself to be easily manipulated and is broke and dead by the end of the play. While reading it, everyone thought Roderigo was stupid to be so easily used. But while his motivations were flawed, I regret to admit, I understand him. I am constantly doing everything I can to appease the people around me. Everyone knows a different version of me; the one molded to what I have gauged would please them. In doing so, I overcommit and hurt myself more than I’m helping others. I’m blinded by desperation. The desperation to appear the right way, while I am slowly dying inside. In short, I’m a grade-A people pleaser, and it’s killing me.

Whilst reading the play, my English teacher also introduced the Dunning-Kruger Effect. This describes those who know they don’t understand something are smarter than those who don’t. So, this brought forth some self-reflection. What don’t I know? And while there’s plenty I don’t know, I’ve realized I don’t know when I’m actively people-pleasing. For a while, I didn’t even know it was even happening.

So, I was stuck with the fact that I had a problem. A problem I didn’t understand the root of. Why do I insist upon looking PERFECT? 

Perhaps by coincidence, a lesson a few days later gave me an answer. In class, we were asked to read about honor killings and domestic violence against women. In the reading, it states, “By placing the responsibility for this “honor” on the shoulders of women, those women could be more easily controlled and, therefore, men could be more certain of the progeny of their children.” Throughout history, women have been subordinate to their husbands. After all, it’s a man’s world. Being successful and likable in today’s society is a fine balance. 

By standard, women are expected to work, but take care of the kids at home. To be pretty, but not wear too much makeup. To be PERFECT, but not try too hard.

It’s heavily rooted in centuries of misogyny, and it still affects women today. And with that, realization struck. Not only was I actively trying to appeal to everyone, but society expected me to. It was never entirely my fault. From the day I was born, society was telling me that I wouldn’t get anywhere in life unless I was molded into this idealistic standard. So, I’ve spent the last sixteen years of my life making a sculpture, one that no one ever sees every side of. They see the side I’ve curated just for them.

I’ve been blinded by desperation, motivated by my need to be liked. I can’t do it anymore. So, will I ever stop people-pleasing? Probably not. It’s just ingrained in the back of my mind now. But, I will do everything I can to turn around every once in a while and show people a side of the sculpture they haven’t seen yet.