I find the word family weird. The thoughts I get from my head don’t connect to the word family. I always try to understand family. I have a family like others. My role is the older sister, I’m a daughter who was born to young parents. I try to help with this family they created as the oldest sister. I realized within my 16 years of living now I’m different from my parents, born in a different generation that people find weird. My mother is always comparing my life to her life, which doesn’t quite settle with me easily but I’m the oldest I suppose I’m the more reliable person who helps and doesn’t question anything. I’m 16 years old, the only daughter, and Wednesday to this family, I’m stuck in the middle. I’m the oldest.

As I grew I didn’t realize that being the oldest would be filled with problems that I had to help with. Until my 13th birthday, I was officially a teenager, which in the human cycle is the transition from child to adult.  My mother is the one who has watched over me since I was a girl, teaching me things that a girl should know. My father shows me what I’m supposed to do since I’m the oldest. My father is the oldest son in his family. He is me in some way. My father’s words “Here, at thy hand. Be bold and take thy stand”, I love my father but he does not understand I am not strong like him.

I’m the oldest daughter, a daughter who deals with her parents’ rants of one another, one who deals with her mother’s childhood trauma as the only daughter in my family. My brothers who have a carefree life as the youngest in the family deal with no such thing. I want to disappear. I don’t like being the oldest. I’m drowning and I think I know why. Death plagues my head as the only thing that brings peace to me, will I finally have no problems, no responsibilities, and no arguments with my mother because I’m her daughter. My inner turmoil creates thoughts I never thought I would have. In my mother’s mind, I am a child who doesn’t understand anything and she makes me drown, when in fact I know everything no words are needed for me to know. She is my mother. I’ve realized my sin in the Circles of Hell as I thought of death, my sin making me belong in Circle VII. If I had followed my past decision I would be punished by watching my body impaled by a tree and I stand and watch motionless.

I wonder as the oldest if others like me deal with what I go through are they tired do they want to rest like I do, because I can’t rest finally realizing that my family needs me even if I must go through my mother’s words of her trauma in my mind my father words of encouragement and wise words and my younger brothers silence. Scolded because I can’t control my brothers, as they create chaos in their wake I am left with the punishments.  I am the oldest and I can’t change that.

-Yasmine Tran