Hamsters

Hamsters I never understood why my girl cousins and I were disliked. We never talked much and normally kept to ourselves, but the older kids never liked us. My cousin, who came to this place before us, was always mean and maybe stupid, because the other older kids instantly looked down upon us. It was hard to say anything to our parents, they never understood. There was this one instance, however, where I was impacted the most. I remember my tutoring place having these hamsters, fluffy and tiny. With permission, the kids were allowed to take them out of their cages and play with them. It was me, a friend, and two older girls. We were all playing with the hamsters, until one of the older girls dropped them. The older girls may have dropped them, but I was the one who took the blame. I cried for days unsure of what to do. A situation so small, was so big to me. It wasn’t fun getting in trouble either, but what could I do? I was only a little fact to the BIG opinion.

When You’re Ready

“What are you thinking about _____?”

Nothing, I’m just reflecting back on something.

Are you sure you’re okay with this?
“Of course I would be, who am I to control your life.”

A swarm of comfort and warmth filled my heart as he told me those exact words. Control? What is control exactly? Why didn’t he care? The faith he put in me, the reassurance that came with it. God, I haven’t had that in years. Do I really deserve this? 

I don’t know if I’m ready for this…I think we should stop seeing each other.
“What’s wrong? You can just tell me, I won’t be mad.”

Are you sure? I don’t want to burden you.

“Why would you be burdening me? I signed up for this, it should be fifty-fifty. I promise I won’t be mad.”

What? Why would he ask that? Shouldn’t he be mad? Pissed off? Tired? I don’t understand how someone could be so understanding. What did I do to deserve someone filled with so much empathy?

“Let’s talk tomorrow okay? I’m pretty busy right now so I’d rather talk when I’m unoccupied.”

Yeah…okay sounds good.

I hung up and let out a deep sigh as I set my phone down on the soft, cozy bed and slowly closed my eyes. Memories began swarming my head.

 Hi! Did you get home yet? I was thinking that we could maybe watch this show that I saw a few posts on. 

……….

Did you fall asleep? I hope you saw my message!

……….

Hey, did something happen? You haven’t responded in almost a week?

…………

No. I just wanted to just be away.

Oh! Is everything okay? I thought we said we’d talk things out if something happened.

Yeah. I just felt like being away from you. I didn’t feel like telling you either since I just wanted to be away and that’s all that matters.

Oh… I mean, I told you that I wouldn’t be mad if you needed space though. I just wanted to know if you were okay since I thought you were dead. 

Yeah I’m going to go now. This is STUPID.

Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry.

What DIDN’T you do?

I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean, I thought things were okay?

It was never OKAY. Can you even think for yourself?

I just wanted to talk things out. You never tell me anything.

There’s no point, I’ve already talked about it with my friends.

But, you never talk to me about things anyway. How can you be so sure?

It doesn’t matter, I just know.

You never talked to me about these things. I just don’t get it.

Bye.

……..

Hey, I’m sorry I just can’t do this anymore.

Alright. But, you know that no one will love you other than me right? Anyone that loves you only wants you because you’re easy.

Did I make the right decision? Will no one love me after him? If he loved me then… why do I feel only pain with him? Love isn’t supposed to be all happiness, but it’s not all sadness is it? I feel a sudden vibration.

“Hey! Are you available? Let’s talk when you’re free!”

Hi, I’m available. Are you sure about this?

“Yeah of course I am. Talk to me when you’re ready.”

Drawn by my cousin ❤

Video Games

As I walked home from school, I received a message on my phone. 

You getting on? I responded back and started speed walking toward my house. 

I opened the door and paid no attention to my things. I dropped my backpack randomly on the floor and I impatiently waited for my computer to boot up. The loading screen felt like it was purposely taking its time. I nervously clicked around, ready to start up the game. Shooter games. It’s the most anger inducing yet thrilling genre of video games. It’s like an addiction. The longing to be better and the desperation of winning is unmatched to anything else. But, even then, I don’t play games to feed into a year spanning addiction, I play because of the enjoyment I get from spending time with my cousin. Many hours are spent just fooling around, and cringing at people who take the game way more seriously than they should. The complete audacity of saying that the game is bad, leaving, and then logging back on an hour later. I have to thank it though, if it wasn’t for video games, I wouldn’t have started spending time with my cousin. I started realizing that there was a reason why we got along so well as kids. Similar humor, different yet compatible personalities, it made sense. Not to mention, an extremely reliable teammate. We are always there for each other. Two teammates, two people, two cousins, two best friends forever.

Spiral

That’s it. I’m done. I can’t feed into my delusions any longer. I’ve given him too many chances. I pick up the phone and reluctantly call him. After arguing for what felt like hours, I impulsively said.

“We keep fighting and nothing’s working. I keep trusting you but it’s like you don’t care about us. It’s over.”

I toss my phone on my bed and sigh. I lay there for hours in the dark. The feeling of relief is overwhelming, but there’s a part of me that wants him to apologize. I hate him so much and yet, there’s a part of me that wants to hear the phone ring. A week passes by and nothing. I’m glad he’s out of my life. He was tiring to deal with and he wasn’t worth the years of work, the time and energy I put into this. I don’t need him. My friend comes to pick me up for a small outing and the car ride is long, but as I slowly begin to nod off to sleep, I feel a small vibration. Unknown number.

“Hello? Can I help you?”

My phone slips from my hand.

To My Once Best Friend

My best friend, until last summer, is named Audrey. She was always there for me, and I was always there for her. It didn’t matter if we didn’t talk to each other for half a year, because we would always reconnect the same way as we always would. She wasn’t always the easiest person to get along with, she was rude, reserved, and had constant mood swings, but I understood that about her. Even if no one liked her because of it, I didn’t mind. I excused her from her attitude because she was my best friend. And she understood that I was emotional, open, and loud. We understood each other, and that’s why we got along so well. 

She’s older than me by five years. My sister, who’s unable to communicate, is the same age as her, but since she can’t talk to people, our parents, who are best friends, forced us into a friendship. It worked though, since we accepted each other. It was always, Let’s buy Audrey this, or, Don’t forget to save some treats for ____. Eventually, when the opportunity was given we started hanging out more often. We hung out every day, we called every day, we even went out every now and then on the weekends. But, when I got a boyfriend, things started going downhill. 

At first, things were okay because I was just boy crazy, and that’s fine. Audrey and I joked about it, and even though she was more on the reserved end and didn’t necessarily have a boy to craze over, she and I were still hanging out all the time. She was my best friend after all. 

What she didn’t know was that my boyfriend was more on the toxic side. I didn’t know who to turn to, I didn’t know who I could talk to. People who I thought supported me, supported him. They didn’t believe my side of the story, but even then, I was too emotionally manipulated and gaslit to tell my story. The story that wasn’t created in order to please him. The story that happened in front of my own eyes. In November, 2022, I couldn’t hide it anymore. He broke up with me, and I cried, and cried, and cried. She saw me desperate, miserable, and depressed, but she was still there for me. As I kept opening up, I unraveled more and more of the “story.” The real story or not, she still advised me to leave him. That it was too toxic to continue, that it was hopeless. But, the delusion gave in, and when the chance was given, I got back together with him. She was disappointed, to say the least. 

Months go by with barely any contact. Months filled with continuous mood swings and constant arguments. Getting mad at people who were once close to me. Getting upset at those who didn’t support the toxic relationship I got myself into thinking that he loved me, because why else would he come back. When the school year ended, I was left with only a few close friends and a toxic relationship that I felt trapped in. 

Some time after school ended, Audrey and I saw each other on vacation. She ended up falling in love with a common friend of ours. As I spent time with her and this other guy, it felt as though we were friends again. She was cheerful and honestly, the most happy I’ve seen her in so long and that aside from the past issues, we were connecting together once again. That soon ended after vacation when I tried to reach out to her, only to learn that she blocked me on social media, and only kept my number for emergencies.

I’ve left that relationship, and I’m now surrounded by new friends and those who stuck by me during the past year. But, even though I’m thankful to have everyone by my side, I just wish that I had the right to say she is one of those people.