The Feeling of Home

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 Every night I walk into the same place I started my day with. I wake up in the morning in the same place and I close my eyes after a long day in the same exact place. I never thought much about this place, or this feeling. After losing my job, and basically all my money, I didn’t have the same place nor feeling anymore. I didn’t wake up to the sun blinding my eye from my bedroom window. Instead, I woke up to a small and compact room with basically no sunlight. It feels like I don’t even want to get up anymore. I didn’t have the same feeling I had when I woke up in the morning. I felt upset, I didn’t understand why I was though. I still had a room, a bed, and a view. But, it just didn’t feel the same as before. I missed the feeling of starting my day off happy, and daring. I didn’t miss coming back to the same place every day for most of my life, I missed the feeling of being home. I missed being home. 

Together….forever?

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Mom always told me that my sister wouldn’t be around forever. It was easy to not believe, well, until yesterday. None of us expected that my sister would get into her dream school. Sometimes, she had unrealistic dreams. When we were younger, I remember she told me that one day she would become the greatest fashion designer that would have a store located in Paris. Now, she’s going to UCLA to pursue her dreams of becoming a lawyer. Yesterday, we said our goodbyes as she left to live on campus. 

“So, this is really it?”

“Not for long, I’ll be back before you know it! Promise me one thing, look out for mom and dad. It’s not easy sending off their favorite child to college.”

“Haha, really funny…”

We said our goodbyes and there she goes, out the door with big plans ahead of her path. My sister can be the most annoying person ever, but at the same time, she’s the only person I can rant to for hours and would actually understand me more than anyone else. Now, it’s like I’m all alone. It feels like having to learn how to be independent and strong all over again. Is this what…. growing up feels like?

Hit it Back

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Without my sister being home, things have only gotten downhill. I don’t even know how to feel. I don’t even know how to act in public. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Mom always told me that things would change dramatically when my sister went to college. I just thought she was being dramatic like she always is, but maybe I was the dramatic one. 

My mom walks in the room. 

“Why haven’t you finished your chores yet? Your teacher called in today, I didn’t realize your grades were slipping or that you’re about to get kicked out of cheer. What is going on with you?” She yelled. 

I don’t even know what to say to her. My sister always made sure that I was doing my homework and that I stayed on top of my sports. She was almost like a replacement for mom, since she was always working.

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. She looked at me with sorrow in her eyes. 

She knew exactly what was going on, she just couldn’t handle it like my sister did. I went back to my room and slammed the door so loud the entire house shook. I was sick of EVERYTHING. I just missed her so much and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t ready to give up though. When we were younger, she would always make fun of me for always giving up after she always beat me at volleyball. I never thought much about it, but deep down I always felt disappointed in myself. It was just a game, but overtime it didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t about to let the ball hit my head again. I wasn’t about to run back inside the house every time I was a sore loser.  Instead, I’ll hit it back. I’ll do something about it. 

A New Day

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It was later in the day, mom and I decided to go out for a late brunch near the beautiful shore.

“Beautiful day, isn’t it?” My mom asked.

“Yep!” I said happily as our food came.

Mom and I haven’t gone out in a while. She’s always working and taking care of grandma all day long. I’m usually with my friends during my free time. Sometimes I forget to spend time with my parents. 

“So love, how’s school so far?” She said awkwardly. 

“Good so far, although I could use a break.” I replied.

“Well then, how about we spend some time together tomorrow. We can invite dad too, just like old times.” Mom suggested.

I was surprised. Mom never let me skip school, not even if I was sick. I was almost concerned something happened to my mom since she never acts like this. We’ve had a distance between each other ever since grandma’s injury. 

“Sure! I would love to.” I said happily.

Maybe this was a start to reconnect with my mom. I felt relieved, I missed this old side of her.

A New Evening

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Change. Change is such a weird thing. Mostly since I’ve been at the same place my whole life and lived around the same people everyday. My parents dropped me off at my dorm a couple hours ago and for some reason I feel so out of place here. I find it ironic that I’ve wanted to come to this school for my entire life and now that I’m finally here, I also don’t wanna be here at the same time. The people around me don’t give me privacy when I’m studying or don’t understand that I hate it when people invite themself to MY dorm. 

My roomate walks in. “Hey! You wanna go out with my friends and I tonight? It’ll be perfect for you to meet new people.”

I hesitate. I wasn’t much of a party girl, I would much rather stay in and call my friends over to watch movies. 

“Sure! I’ll get ready in a second.” I replied.

My roommate brings me inside the party. With loud music, hundreds, maybe thousands of people all in one place. I’ve never seen this many people all at once. I wasn’t scared or intimidated like I used to be, I was excited to be here. I was excited to be out at night with my new friends. Who am I? I don’t even recognize myself right now.