“Every little bean must be heard as well as seen”

Middle school – a time for everyone and a time for no one. The three years I had spent both within school and at home due to Covid have to be my most defining moments. Looking back on my development, I wonder if any of it would’ve happened if it weren’t for keeping everything bottled inside for no one to see or hear. I personally struggled with small numbers that didn’t nearly come close to defining me as a person. I let the numbers on the scale predict my next moments for the days and weeks to come. It defined who I was, how I spent my time, and more importantly how I treated others.

When my adolescent mind looked around at the other children my age, I felt instantly inferior to their popularity and ability to be confident at all times. Regardless if this was their front to hide what their true thoughts were, I was envious every single second I was near them. Not a moment passed by though, where I stated my thoughts. Within seconds, the thoughts of how to better myself and why I need to be them consumed my mind without an escape. The thoughts that held my life in locks would never see the light of day, never come into existence, or be transferred between two people’s conversations.

Through it all, the numbers on the scale were decreasing just how I wanted it to – but not under good circumstances. I would watch millions of diet videos a day and have the nutritional info of all the food memorized as if it were the back of my hand. I couldn’t not pay attention to what I was consuming and why I should be consuming it. If I wasn’t them and had their perfect image, why do I deserve to have this food? Why have this luxury of life I was blessed with? 

Everything in my life seemed insurmountable to what my goal was: Becoming skinny, popular, and seemingly perfect.

Without my thoughts escaping, I noticed the ideas of everyone else. Their thoughts were freely talked about, as if it wasn’t restricting them from their everyday life. I quickly took note of how they acted regularly, and how to detect when something was off. 

I was becoming what I needed.

I would consistently check up on everyone and make light conversations with people I rarely talked to. I wanted to ensure they never felt how I did. I wanted to ensure that they knew that they had an insane amount of potential and light to offer this world. I wanted them to know that it was all going to be okay and for each passing second we lived, that we were put on this Earth for a purpose. Whether that be to serve others as I learned or to face hard challenges to stop others from going through the same thing, we all needed eachother. 

Within each moment I spent with people, whether we were close or nearly mutuals, I observed how they expressed their feelings and what they kept bottled inside. They needed me just as much as I needed them. They deserved to get their feelings out and express their worries. The slow unraveling of their hard exterior proved to me that we all need someone.

We all need to be seen. 

Without sight, there would never be light. Without light, there wouldn’t be opportunities to see the bright future ahead of us. Numerous conversations flew by with millions of words provoked between everyone I talked to, and slowly I healed. I related to them as I thought no one would be able to. The numbers gained less meaning and how I helped others gained more. I was growing, evolving, whatever you want to call it – I changed. Allowing others to be seen and expressing their emotions made me a better person to not only conquer my fears, but help them conquer theirs as well. 

I’ve never looked back on my relationship with the scale as a regret, but rather a growing period. Without those three years of my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. The hardships within our lives, whether we believe it or not, all have an ulterior motive to promote our lives to be better and stronger in the future. I am beyond grateful to have helped others and realized my true worth within their happiness. Regardless of how big or small something is you’re going through, always remember that your thoughts are priceless, and deserve to be heard in order to be helped.

Always and forever, we deserve to be seen.