Let’s say your best friend is on their death bed, it’s a morbid thought but one grounded in reality. What are your last words to your friends before you never see them again? The permanence is haunting, isn’t it? If you can’t think of anything off the top of your head that’s fine, after all, it is challenging to console someone who’s fate is already written down in pen. Unfortunately, there is no secret to thinking of send-offs for your good friend. Dealing with grief is already hard enough, but looking that grief in the eye and thinking of something, or anything is quite difficult. Taking a step back, why is this question being posed in the first place? What are your last words before your friend dies is an exaggerated version of the issue and question that I have been having difficulty answering, that is how do you console anyone at all? For some, it may be simple, but there certainly is something to it that makes it difficult and more layered than it seems. Is there a way to guarantee you can make a positive impact on someone who is going through a tough time? In other terms, how do you console your friend who is dying?

Some ways you might be able to console someone is to look on the bright side of things and remind them of what they have to be grateful for. Sure, that works sometimes but if you tell someone to look on the bright side when let’s say their best friend dies you may be able to pick up on an issue. What bright side could there possibly be to a situation like that? Not to mention what if they do not want to look on the bright side, sifting around for reasons to be glad of a loved one’s death might even be insulting to the mourner. What are they supposed to do just stop being sad and be happy. Its a undermining their emotions so let’s try a different approach. How about giving some advice about how to deal with their situation? This sounds great, it’s productive it actively tackles the problem and takes steps to help the person. This works but this relies on two things, you know a way to improve their situation and the situation can be changed at all. Let’s return to the big picture, how would you comfort your dying friend? What advice would you give? “Sort your legal document, stop dying, and tell your family you love them” helpful but chances are this probably won’t make them feel any less hopeless. There is another way of comforting someone one might try and that would be giving them hope which is similar to the “look on the bright side” method but sometimes people know better. In the story, “All Quiet on the Western Front” our protagonist Paul Baumer tries to comfort his dying friend by telling him he will make it out, and go home which results in tears from both parties. The effectiveness of this method is questionable, did Paul make things worse or was it for the best he said those things? Only Kemmerich, Paul’s friend could say and not even for sure but now he’s gone.

We have not answered the big question adequately yet because there is no way to comfort a friend who’s dying. There are WAYS and the one you decide on depends on who you are comforting and for what. The world is rarely black and white and things as sensitive as comforting someone vulnerable need to be approached with care comparable to walking across the hall with a full glass of water. With a shaky approach, the cup tips, and the tears flow. So the best way to comfort your dying friend is really up to who you are and who they are but one thing needs to stay the same. To be there at all is the key, as the very clever professor Adam Grant once said, “In hard times, people don’t want to be told to look on the bright side. They want to know you’re on their side.”