In 7th grade, Clair had a best friend who was mean more than she was kind. The kind of mean that was planned to make her look nice, the only evidence of the real intent is how you feel after it’s said. A churning in your stomach like a big pot of clumpy soup. Her hair was as straight as the poles that hold up crooked trees and blonde like a new Barbie. The type of girl who knew all the trends before they became big, and went to big shopping malls every weekend with her beautiful mother. She even had a beautiful name to match her face, Serena, doesn’t it seem unfair to give a pretty name to a pretty girl? It throws the world off balance. Clair wanted to be Serena so badly. Running after what she had only to fall further behind, never catching up.

A new boy moves to their school, he’s cute in a sort of boyish way. Brown curls fall over his ears like waves lapping at the shell-speckled shore. During a sleepover, Serena says he’s cuter than most boys at school. Clair asks her if she likes him and she says no. Clair doesn’t think he’s cute at all, but she tells her she has a crush on him. She doesn’t know why she said it but once It was said she couldn’t take it back. Maybe she needed something that she had that Serena didn’t. More weeks pass, and Clair doesn’t do anything about the boy. Serena says she’s a wuss and she would have told him she liked him already if she were Clair. What a funny thought. If she were Clair, she would understand how much it hurts to be called names by Serena because of her house or her looks. She would know how much Clair wants her to like her more than Serena’s other friends. 

They go to the beach that night and Serena invites all the boys to come with them. A small gathering turns into a bigger party. Serena pressures and pressures Clair. She doesn’t know what made her do it. Maybe Serena’s blue eyes bearing into her soul like ice or the hazy smoke of a beach bonfire. Clair spots the boy across the fire and she walks up to him and says I. Like. You.

The silence of the boy bears into her soul. It sears her eyes like fish on a barbeque. Too many questions unanswered. 

Cair tells Serena what happened at the beach. She says that it’s weird he didn’t respond and that the boy told Serena he liked me. She says he was scared. The next day he tells Clair he does like her. She says okay but she doesn’t believe him. A month passes and small conversations pass by the volleyball nets, but that’s all they are. Small. Serena grows more distant as Clair and the boy grow closer. One day at school he comes up to Clair and asks if she wants his hoodie. It’s mustard yellow and clashes with her hair, but she says yes anyway. She wears it anyway. An hour later he asks for it back. She gives it to him without a word. Questions fly through her brain. Later that day, Clair hears a group of girls laughing while they walk to class,

“That was so funny! I’m so glad I paid him to give her his hoodie.”

Pain sears through her eyes. Tears spill over like a waterfall. The urge to run is so so so strong. I will never wear yellow ever again.