Being alone.  One may think it’s a blessing, but I think it’s a curse. A lonely spark of light in a field of darkness. The feeling of being stranded even when surrounded by a large crowd. Like the inability to sleep at night without being in the arms of one’s mother. The state of being bound by unexplainable emotions. Multiple times a day, I ask myself, “Why do I seek the attention of others just to end up alone?” Making huge efforts just to obtain a “small glimpse” of praise. As I’m writing this, all I want to do is break down just at the thought of no one caring if I were to die. 

It isn’t just the feeling of being isolated, but believing that you’re being ignored, unloved, or even invisible. I constantly feel like I’m drowning from my overthinking.

It’s like having an emergency without being able to receive any aid. There is a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I love being alone, but I hate the feeling of it. Some may think I have abandonment issues, and maybe they’re right. I’ve struggled with my self-diagnosed depression many times. I even told people I had social anxiety but no one believed me. Most individuals with monophobia, also known as autophobia, develop this “disease” from traumatic experiences, but I don’t even know where I stand in this situation. 

The agoraphobia cluster includes a “combination of several interlinked phobias.” A type of anxiety that feels like a prison and only gets worse. Being put in a panicking condition and having no escape. My everyday life at school is like walking through a hallway with eyes constantly watching your every move. There are so many ways of overcoming this phobia such as seeing a doctor, taking medication, getting therapy, etc. But how could I possibly seek the help of others if I’m afraid of judgement and my doubt takes over? I can barely comprehend my own emotions. Perhaps, I even avoid the unknown to spare my pride.

One thought on “Monophobia

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