A teenager with worries and wishes. That’s all there is to it.

Clouds that Keep Rolling

I look outside the window and see the dark clouds cover the sky like a large, fluffy duvet. Winter break is coming. I love the holiday season, but I always look back and realize that it’s not all that happy. School exists, and it is definitely not merciful when it comes to breaks. Teachers trying to shove three weeks worth of tests into one. Endless mounds of homework that I don’t understand. The rushing of trying to prepare for a happy Christmas, only to get pulled back down by studying. I shiver. Not from the cold, but just the thought of the workload I’ve got to get finished frightens me.

I shove my backpack into the car and hop inside. Sometimes, I wonder if this year, or any year for that matter, could be a little different. Who knows, maybe an alien invasion could happen, and those aliens would have to force the school to stop giving us so much homework. Or maybe the president could just make winter break a mandatory, year-long holiday. That would be more than welcome.

And then I walk into school for the hundredth time. All I can do is hope that maybe, just maybe could I survive this week. But no. I predicted it all. Test here, test there. Tests left and right, up and down. I feel like I can’t escape them all. I feel like I’m washed up in an ocean of stress. A horrible, relentless, and stormy one. But man, whatever. Bring it on, I’ll fail all of my tests with flying colors.

Cold, Warm

Today was a terrible day. It was a rainy day. Usually, I love rain, but before the day even started, my feet were already soaked and sopping, sopping wet. Splat. Splat. I still cringe at the sound of those footsteps. Just keep on moving… The wind was so great that my umbrella broke and my feet were freezing cold. Maybe, by this time, I had already gotten sick and the cold was just mocking my poor, icy body. Just keep swimming. And then I had a bunch of tests to do, all with my wet and soggy clothes and the freezing wind biting my skin. Just keep swimming… Just keep swimming. My dad called later, saying that he couldn’t pick me up and to hang tight in the library until he could. I wanted to cry. But the only thing I could do was just keep moving, even though it felt like the world was against me.

But then my friends asked me to join their game. I laughed and played with them. I got kicked out of the school library for being too loud, but it didn’t take away the fun I had. And then when I got home, my parents saw me come home looking like a wet, stray dog. Mom made me porridge, told me You can’t give up and that You still have two days to go until break. The soup was hot, and it made me feel warm inside, even through the still-cold air. Maybe today wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Flows Like Water

When I think about it, water always surrounds me. Water in the sink. Water on the food. Water in my bottle. Water that comes from the sky and then drips down from the ceiling. Sometimes it makes my feet cold and makes me sick. But it tastes really good after a workout, it tastes really good after a long, hard day of school and when I get real thirsty. It brings me life and everyone around me, too. 

And then I think about the time when I read “A Long Walk to Water” back in junior high, and then I think about all of the other people who don’t have water. I don’t think anyone should be cursed like that. Maybe someday me or someone else will work hard to the point where we won’t have to worry about water anymore, and everyone in the world could share a cup of water happily.

I look back to my computer screen to check my agenda. “ Math Ch.6 Written Exam: 0/6 points” blinks on the screen. So then I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, forgetting everything that I just thought about.

Where

Sometimes, I look at friends having fun and then back at myself. I don’t know where I belong. It’s just a creeping feeling that settles in my bones and tells me that This isn’t right and Just get out. That doesn’t come to say that I don’t have many friends or dislike my own. I love my friends that I see every day. And the ones I made through art. And the ones that I met in games. And the ones that I chat to through Discord and on Twitter. And the ones I haven’t even met yet. And also the ones I’ve forgotten. 

But somewhere in between the lines of friend groups and belonging, there’s no space for me, just like how a squirrel doesn’t fit in a bird’s nest. Each group I’ve stuck with, I feel like they’d do just fine if I wasn’t there. Perhaps I’m overthinking my situation. I know people love me. But at the same time, I don’t.

But I’ll keep searching, no matter what. There has to be somewhere, some place, someone for me. Change is inevitable. Loneliness is inevitable. Sadness is inevitable. Happiness

Girls That I’ve Known

I don’t know what I like, but I know that I’ve liked girls. The girls that were my friends. The girls that helped me with science homework. The girls that I chatted with during lunch. The girls that laughed and laughed at the unfunny jokes I’ve made. The girls with smiles that challenged the sun. The girls that made sure that I’d never cry.

Those times were nice. I don’t think I’d even known I had liked them until now. One glowed like a firefly. A soft face and a soft tone that called out to me. One that I would cry to as she patted my head and hugged me until nothing was wrong. The other insulted me and called me Witch. But that same voice, too, joked around with me, called me cute. Pinched my cheek and told me I was worth more than any other guy out there. I was happy then.

Oh, life. The cycle of liking someone and then not. I hate it. Knowing that I’d never relive the same feeling. Knowing the girls that said Hi to me and never again.