The uncertainty of the future may never be as comforting as you would like it to be, especially when it comes to the people around you. Take, for example, the tall, refined man sitting across from you, two tables down. Each of his motions seems infinitely elegant, but maybe he has just been dumped in front of his entire family. Or the young girl sniffling to your right, who might have run here to find space after an argument with her parents. Then there’s you. Whether you have just been ditched by all your friends, cussed out by your family, or are just sick of the repetition of your everyday life, you are sitting here with a cup in your hand and not a care in the world, all while staring at strangers. None of you know each other, or frankly really care to, but one thing has all led you to this tranquil scenery: the bitter scent of coffee on a Saturday brunch.
Being raised in multiple households where yelling was an essential part of everyday life, I have learned to disengage my mind through conversation and sift through foul language. While I understand the place the words come from, nothing is worse than having them directed towards you. Despite my lone efforts to temper their anger, I have found it is best to let their flare burn down while I sit behind my single, white door. With the cold hardwood settling itself to my weight, nothing is more soothing than the music blasting through my headphones with the swirling colors of my LEDs.
As I grew up, I learned that no matter what I was going through, someone else has experienced it. This does not mean my feelings are a finite fraction of what I thought they were, but an encouraging push to keep going. I may still feel like the worst person on Earth, but slowly getting through the troubles and finding more ways to ease the pain is the best thing I could think of. With that, I have learned many new hobbies I did not think I would ever like, such as: roller skating, walking at night, learning how to play ukulele, baking, and using a bow. While these things will never erase everything, they do help alleviate something I thought might have its grasp on me forever, and that is why I believe cultivating even the smallest wish can lead to the biggest change.
“Love makes us both happy and sad, and there is not a soul alive that has been able to understand why.” – Courtney Peppernell
Constantly switching households with no sustained schedule has forced me to maintain comfort in uncertainty. I knew my family loved me, but they struggled showing how, which included dealing with their own emotions. Trying to understand them, while respecting them was not something I was capable of, so I started to lean on music. No matter where I was, I had my phone and a pair of headphones along my neck. It was a lasting comfort, and still is to this today, because it is the one thing I can control in my life. Whether it is enjoying the resonating sound within the headphones, or just listening to a sweet little tune, nothing can beat my favorite song on repeat.
The most important thing is finding joy in the smaller moments, like the feeling of serenity after crying for hours without knowing why, or sitting on a park bench in the middle of a thunderstorm. For me, it is the little world of my rainbow lights, and distant music, all while lying on the cold, hardwood flooring of my 150sqft. bedroom. These little memories are what stick with you when you may be having an awful day, or when others choose to console themselves by harming you. You may feel like you don’t deserve happiness, or maybe should just be happy when you are not; these feelings are normal, and finding true happiness in time is what really matters.
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