“Maladaptive daydreaming”

At first, you mistake it for normal daydreaming. But as time progresses, the daydreams are longer and more frequent. You start preferring to daydream than live in the moment. They become your home, your comfort place, an escape from reality. I find myself choosing to be the version I created rather than the authentic version of myself. There are many reasons I would instead be trapped in my mind than live in reality. Once in my little world, I never had to worry about anything. I…live. I enjoy life in ways that I can’t enjoy in real life. Because, in my mind, there are no limitations. The chains of society don’t affect me. I don’t have to endure the world’s suffering when I am in my mind. I live by my own rules. I act the way I want without anyone telling me to change. No one influences my behavior; it’s just me. It just seems like a better life to live as someone you’re not. For once, I can act like I am the one in control. The daydreams also allow me to get to know myself. To get to know who I am and who I would have chosen to be if it wasn’t for society and parental influence. Daydreams are a beautiful part of my life. It seems unhealthy to live in denial of your actual identity. But it’s one of the few things that help me keep going. 

“Growing up”

As a kid, I always wanted to know what it was like to be a grown-up. Why wouldn’t I? Seeing all the privileges that older people had. They can drive, go out whenever they want, and don’t have to listen to anyone, the only rules they follow are their own, and they have no curfew. I never looked at the cons of getting older. That wasn’t very important. What I focused on were the things that I would gain once I was older. But growing up is not just about gaining privileges. It is also about internal and external growth. In my family’s case, my external growth was the essential part because that’s when I would have to start covering up. Covering up was when I realized that growing up wasn’t what I thought it was. It wasn’t just about gaining fun; it was also about gaining responsibility. And unfortunately, gaining wisdom of what the world is really like. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies and smiles. The more I grew up, the more I wanted to get younger. A part of me still wanted to get older, but another part saw what the future held and just wanted to hold onto the past and forget the end. Having to cover up was both a good and bad thing for me. I focused less on fashion and more on myself. But, since I paid no attention to the parts that were covered up, all of my anxiety went to the details of me that weren’t. I became the villain of my story. So much attention went to my face, and my obsession with it only deteriorated my health. Growing up was not what I expected. Although I still wanted the privileges that came with time, I wouldn’t say I liked the bad that came with it.

“Procrastination”

I think there will always be more time. That I don’t have to do something now, it can always be done later. I have grown accustomed to never taking the time I have for granted. Wasting my time on something while I should be doing something else. It is actually amazing how I can procrastinate many things. A phone call with a family member, an assignment worth half my grade, studying for a test that’s worth half my grade, or even a test that quite literally determines how the rest of my life will play out. I think I never got my procrastination under control because I have never truly faced severe consequences. Other than failing tests, wasting my time has never negatively impacted me…..or so I thought. I have gotten so used to wasting time that sometimes I forget that I am capable of finishing all my homework in 4 hours or less instead of 7 hours. I have gotten so used to procrastination that I forgot how it feels to not feel packed with assignments and tests to study for. I have gotten so used to procrastination that I don’t think about all the things I could have done. All the times I could have done something for my future but ended up wasting it on entertainment that has no impact. All the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months that I could have accomplished so much in. But I kept saying there’s always more time. I kept saying it so much that I lost track of time. 

“How I will do it”

My mother got married when she was 19. At first, it seemed like she was okay with the fact that she gave up everything for her marriage. Her life, her education, and her dreams. She looked content with life. Until she didn’t, all her life, she was expected to cook, clean, have kids, and take care of the kids. Cook and clean some more. Cook and clean. And now she’s bored. And she was looking for something new. My sister and I are getting older, and she doesn’t have to do everything anymore. So now, she feels useless. She feels as if all her life, she accomplished nothing. She keeps running but doesn’t have a destination. No one understands. To us, being a mother is everything. A woman’s most significant accomplishment is to be a mother. But they don’t understand. I think I know. In the first 18 years of your child’s life, they rely on you. They need you. You feel as if you have a purpose. But once they turn into teenagers and young adults, they don’t need you as much. And it feels like you fulfilled your purpose. But now you have nothing. Nothing to do. My mother has skills she wants to show but can’t. At the time of her decision, giving up college for marriage was a no-brainer. Now, it’s the worst decision she’s ever made. That’s why I am going to do it differently. I am going to finish my education. And I won’t give it up for any reason. I will find something that will give me a purpose. Something that doesn’t just involve being a mother. I will find the meaning that will stick with me until I am old and gray. I will get a job that makes me feel accomplished. I will make decisions that will make me proud when I look back at them because I refuse to touch the uselessness and helplessness that my mother feels. I refuse to repeat her life. And seeing how seriously she takes my education, she doesn’t want me to follow in her steps.

“Fear”

I started hearing about it more. Rape, sexual assault, abuse. At first, I didn’t give it a thought. But as time went on, It started popping up everywhere. I started to hear about it more. I meet people who have been violated. As time went on, I became more paranoid. I bought self-defense weapons that I kept hidden in my room, and for some reason, it calmed me down. Knowing that if something were to happen, if someone were to break in, I would have something to protect myself with. I worried less. I was still aware, but it wasn’t the main focus of my mind. But then I got dreams. Dreams that brought everything back to the surface. Dreams that made it hard to sleep at night in fear of a random someone walking into my room. And then, the topic started appearing in the books I was supposed to seek comfort from. The paranoia came back. The constant feeling tells me to check for the 5th time if all the doors and windows are locked. The continuous feeling of checking if anyone is peeking through my bedroom window. It made me paranoid about everything. The constant feeling of closing the car door the second I get in. To load the car with something, some weapon, in case someone got in. All these scenarios make their way into my brain and interfere with everything.  It’s a fear that I will have to live with forever. It will be the unwanted partner that I have to work with. The thought in the back of my mind will appear every once in a while. I can’t get rid of it. I can only live with it.