Living for the Hope of it All
Photo credits: Pixabay
I never knew money as something that would always haunt you. As a burden or a luxury. My family protected that from me. Most of what I would ask came to me on a silver platter with a smile from the giver. I would only guess the number we had was incomprehensible. Something that made a million feel like nothing. A decent house, everything I wanted, and innocence. Everything I thought everyone had. Not a luxury, just a standard.
It wasn’t until we moved. Not because of something bad that kept our allowance at stake, but to be somewhere better: somewhere money had always got us. It was at this place that I grew to learn the value of a piece of paper. Watching as the lack of it destroyed the lives of others as the cost of items ascended. Watching the stress it had upon my father as the loss of a lawsuit drew his sanity and earnings to the ground. Never had I had to think twice about what I asked for or double-check the price. Call me spoiled or protected from such a world. I call it innocence, something I want to have back. Living in a time where I thought I had everything. Only to find, I was only living for the hope of it all.
Photo credit: Pixabay
If someone were to ask what my best skill is, I would say jumping. I could jump from friend group to friend group, even if I felt that we were the closest pair. Changing who I am and how I act to each one of them just to have one last. And it did. I may not have been the favorite friend of the group but I was part of it. I became friends with so many more people that I would have never talked to if it weren’t for them. 2 years. 3 years. Time flew by and our friendship grew stronger. Even if they would have their own jokes and giggles without me, I was still there. I was happy. No. I was content. But that feeling wouldn’t last. Like many things. Like time. It all flew away. Smoothly and gradually. Not at all what I’m used to. Not at all like jumping. It was a slow burn you already know will hit you. Something that only the anticipation of it happening hurts more than the punch. And now, the longest group I kept up with is broken. Even so, there was no solemn goodbye or lingering regrets. I can only do what I know how. Jump.
ɨ’ʍ ǟʟʀɨɢɦȶ 🙂
Photo credit: Unsplash
Hello, I am writing back to calm your concerns about me. I know that I have been distant but I am also feeling Even better than I have before. My family is back on track to a normal life. But I cannot thank you enough or I Likely would not be here without your support and concerns for me. And I promise I am doing much better. Promise.
My mother has been very careful, to say the least, about my safety and whereabouts. Of course, I am Especially grateful for her care, but this is why I haven’t been out of the house recently. My father is probably Playing somewhere in Vegas with his friends. He has been absent but I don’t blame him for how stressed he Looked trying to manage everything. We have come a long way.
Ellie looks to be feeling better. Both she and I are bummed about staying I home but I’m sure that I won’t be Away for much longer as my time is almost up. I wish I could say more about my sudden disappearance and Say what happened but I want this to get to you as soon as you can to save your worries. I’ll tell you we see Everyone again. I miss you a lot 🙂
Photo credits: Unsplash
I’ve never known who I actually am. What I like. What I want to be. I’m not sure, maybe you should tell me. Or what is someone else doing? I feel it may just be something, somewhere in me. Haunting me. I started to feel it last summer.
I had an urging feeling I was drifting away from her, someone I knew all my life. I don’t know what I would be if she left. So I would let her do everything, decide my life for me. Maybe she will see her use in my life and stay. Or maybe it would come off as clingy…
Wherever she went I followed. Maybe not right next to her all of the time, but close enough to feel my presence. She wanted to learn Japanese? Well, I guess I like to watch Japanese anime. She wants to start being active and be a part of a good community? I’m sure it’s good to take care of myself and get involved.
No, I didn’t.
Whenever she was ahead, I wasn’t too far behind. I can’t tell if it’s obsessive or fear. I just couldn’t lose her.
How stupid I was.
I was blind. But how could I know that? I didn’t even know what I felt, nevertheless what I was. I couldn’t even decide that for myself. But she could. She always knew. And she saw right through me. She saw who I was.
Photo credits: Unsplash
I didn’t mean to leave like this. I thought I could stay but this place was too much for someone like me. And I know you will be sad but you will get through this, something I could never do. And maybe someday you’ll come to realize this was better for you and everyone else. I promise I’ll be somewhere better, that we could maybe see each other again. I just want to give you goodbye. An explanation. So you’re not left in the dark. I would hate for you to be worse than you were when I was here. Goodbye.”
Was that so hard? It was the only thing I ever asked of you. I never asked for you to leave. But you did. I only asked for an explanation. But I didn’t get one.