Innocence
We were only the innocent ages of six, eight, and ten, my sisters and I. We would film music videos of each other, giggles and laughter filling the cracks and crevices of our home. We would have nerf wars and someone would get hurt, we would race on the outside asphalt and someone would fall, but we always got back up. Scrapes and bruises didn’t matter, we were family and nothing would tear us apart. Until something did. I’m still unaware of what that is. I even asked questions to my parents and never got an answer. My suspicion was our middle sister. She would take everything for herself, using my eldest sister and me for her benefit without ever contributing to anything. She has matured into a person that was manipulative and made everyone bow down to her; even our loving parents that would want to keep a smile on her face. Now I live in the present, dealing with the same sister. Scrapes and bruises weren’t a result of mistakes any longer, but instead of her.
The Light in the Dark
What am I doing? Im sitting in a chair thinking of what to write. I crack out three sentences.
“Nah too complicated” as I hold the backspace button down until the screen in front of me says nothing.
I throw three more and it reaches the same fate. I keep trying to produce the best work I can, but overthink until I am left with nothing. I revise and revise, think and consult myself, but at the end of the 10 minutes of staring at my screen, I am left with nothing more than the emptiness void of a freshly created google doc. I haven’t done anything. I have done nothing. I will do nothing. Past, present, and future all with the same result. If I keep staring at my screen, with no purpose or thought, I will be left with the same thing that I see in front of me. Nothing. This isn’t about writing a document for a class anymore. This is about now. If I never ask idiotic questions, if I hadn’t got rejected, if I never had to deal with being dealt the losing card, I would not be where I am today. I would not have a drive or will to be better, I would not value the power of knowing, and I would not be able to move on from a loss. I am grateful now that I understand with every loss comes a win. Even if I am not the one winning, I can always take something out of an unfavorable situation. I am glad I tripped while playing tag and scraped my knee because it taught me to get up no matter how much the scrape burned. I am glad I faked my own happiness because it taught me authenticity versus fabrication. Being hurt or unable to get what you want in life never has to be taken as black and white. Never will anything be a win or a loss. Being denied a trophy does not mean you lost, it matters how you take it. Will you sit in the corner and cry because you did not get what you wanted? Or will YOU stand up and chase after the next trophy? Will YOU train to be the best YOU can and accomplish what YOU have desired? Losing a trophy allows YOU to win. YOU to grow. YOU to better yourself. We can not control the circumstances we are thrown into, but we can adapt to the situations and mold ourselves to be ready to face whatever stands in our way. Building yourself up in times of struggle is where the most positive change can take place.
Life Vest
When I was young, young enough to barely be able to lift my fat head up from the ground and walk on my two sausage-like legs, I was loved. I was taken care of and pampered. I could poop myself and fall on my face. But times change. Expectations grew as I grew up and all of a sudden I fell behind. Praise and celebration died and drowned me in the never-ending standard to be as great as my sisters were. I would excel in my classes and always have the drive to do better. But when I started to see red, I couldn’t unsee it. I tried to climb out of the dark hole of disappointment but would have nothing to grab on. I was stuck until something happened. Something that would prove something to someone. Something that would make me proud of myself and others proud of me. And so I set my ship to sail a never-ending journey with a set destination in mind. Through the tsunamis of fear and hurricanes of uncertainty, my ship will rock left and right, sink and flood, but will always move forward. I turn around to see myself grow older and older, knowing I will never get that time back but I know there is light on the horizon in front of me.
“You hungry” my father would mouth to me.
He always was considerate of what I wanted and cared for my needs. He was my mentor in that way. Someone I could always ask questions comfortably to and get his opinion on things in my life. I found safety with him. If my ship crashes, I know I could always take the Life Vest he held for me.
Face Mask
I am fifteen years old. I have a dog. I have two sisters and many friends that I can confide in. If I am sad, happy, up, or down, I always can turn to my friends and family that I know will be there for me. But this never lasts, never forever. Time will grow us apart, life will steal the people I love from me, and as much as I try to censor myself from the truth, the truth with prevail. The inevitable outcomes will come knocking at my door, and I have nothing to do but prepare and take it. And so I create these realities in my head, these illusions that help me unsee the future that I understand are bound to happen. I create a fabricated life in my head which projects realistic possibilities that I hold dear. Even if it sounds immature and childish, I can not control the things I want. I want what I want and can’t have what I can’t have. This desire to obtain something unobtainable never changes. I really try my hardest to block myself from my unrealistic aspirations but I end up in the same place always. Whatever or whoever it is, they become a part of my wants and end up hurting me. I try to put a facade on my face, saying “I am okay”, “I don’t want it anyway”, and “things are better this way”, but as I mentioned before; it is a mask. Masks cover up secrets but that does not mean the secrets have disappeared. Moving forward without turning around is the only way I can forget, but what if I want to follow me? What if I spend time with it and call my name? I have to force myself to not turn around and keep focused as much as I do not want to. It pains me to move forward away from something that I envy so much but I know this is what is best for me. I wish I could hate it, have something to hate. But how could I? WHO CARES ANYWAY? I won’t care a year from now, but maybe I am just saying this to cope. Maybe I’m blocking the things I don’t wanna hear so I can live without regret. Maybe this is regret.
A Size Too Big
One of the major things that I have regretted but have impacted me was creating plans that I can not follow through with. I have thoughts and wishes that never can be fulfilled due to the logistics of the situation. Even if it is just not being able to get a ride or being afraid to press my desires onto the people that can help me, I am creating bad habits for myself and am waiting for the time it really ruins me. And in this way, I am buying loose shoes. Shoes that are too big for me now, but I will be able to grow into them. I haul them away in a box and slide them under my bed. Time flies by and I stubble upon these shoes again. Shoes that are now too small. I missed my opportunity by making a commitment that I can not take back.
What do I do? Should I have never bought them, should I have worn my loose shoes? My solution is to wait for that time, count the days that I grow, and keep trying the shoes until they fit. Having that self-awareness and understanding of where I am in people’s eyes will guide me to navigate through my life. Sometimes shoes never fit, and I have to live with that knowledge. As much as I imagine that these shoes will bring me joy and contentment, the size of the shoe will never change, but I can.
Write Our World 