Life goes on

One Sunday night, swallowed by my bed, though I have to try and pretend those thoughts I hid deeply. Fearing repeating mistakes in life. Even though I have romanticized and fantasized about this life, I still tend to laugh more when it is difficult. But I am tortured by those thoughts. When will my time arrive, I tell myself, the world can’t be flawless? These challenges turned into the times when I despise myself and wish I could vanish forever.

“What’s going on with you?”

“Why do you seem so different?”

“I’m disappointed in you.”

“You got skinnier.”

“You gained a bit of weight?”

“You’re not trying.”

I began to shut out my own voice and started to listen to the voices of others. I began to ask myself, why do those words hurt so much? Why was no one ever there for me during my lows? Wanting to have that deep sense of comfort and want to hear those words people say too easily to others. Putting more effort into those than to receive. Yet everyone ends up leaving. I became afraid of this unpleasant emptiness. Standing all alone and I’m trying to search for my worth.

I feel so worthless.

But I constantly thought to myself… What can I do to change? Was it really worth it? What was really there to lose? Over time, I overcame those thoughts and strived to be stronger. Dreaming big and learning along the way, those moments guided me. Those pitch black nights turned into starry night skies. I kept on moving forward, my life that I romanticized and loved was there. Looking back, I realized I have come so far. I really didn’t need to depend on others to make me happy.

Even if I messed up yesterday, I’m still the same person. I have all the flaws that make me who I am now. I may be a little bit wiser tomorrow, yet I choose to grow. I chose this path, and although having new beginnings and overcoming those struggles, I was finally happy.

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