Trapped in my own mind

A person’s mind can be either their worst enemy, or best friend. Depending on the situation, if you spend enough time alone with yourself, your brain is capable of convincing you of anything. It can convince you that you are enough, worthy, and successful. But It can also convince you that you are worthless, a failure, undeserving of anything good. Your brain is also capable of trapping you in your thoughts. You become so indulged in your own mind that you can’t focus on the real world. And lately, with all the stress of life, It seems I am never focused on anything but my thoughts. What kind of person will I become? Will I be good enough to make my parents proud? Will I make my family proud? Will this stress always be there? And the worries of high school only make these thoughts worse. I can’t even pass this test, how will I ever maintain my 4.0 GPA. I am falling behind. I don’t understand this. There is so much work to do and I don’t know where to start. And the problems at home only make the thoughts in my brain unbearable. It’s as if the more I think, the more I am secured inside of a prison in my brain with the keys somewhere where they can’t be reached.

All these things keep adding up, these thoughts make it so difficult to stay focused. I have a goal, but it seems like it can’t be reached. I know what I have to do, but it seems like my brain is a constant barrier. And suddenly, giving up seems so peaceful. All these thoughts add up and it seems like nothing is making them go away. It’s as if you’re trapped under water and you just can’t swim back up to the surface. So I crave peace. I crave my brain to stop bullying me. I crave to feel like I am doing something right. I crave to feel safe in my own body. I crave to be let out of the prison. I crave to have a break. So giving up seems like the only option, to stop caring. To stop constantly fighting my brain.  To just….live.

But that’s not living. Giving up seems like a good idea. It seems so peaceful. It looks like giving up is the only option, but it only helps temporarily, and then after that temporary peace, the negative gates open, and a flood of negativity makes its way through. Your previous problems come back, but now they are multiplied. All these thoughts will be so overwhelming you don’t even have it in yourself to start trying again. You become trapped again. You just become a victim of your own negative thoughts. If giving up doesn’t work, then what will? All these thoughts keep eating away. It seems like my brain is deteriorating. All I want is a break, silence. For all those little noises telling me I will never make it to go away. All I want is for these thoughts to go away, for something to occupy my brain. To distract my brain but not harm my future. Something to look forward to, a reason to keep going on, the light at the end of the dark, ruthless tunnel. An escape.

And I found my escape in books. Sitting in my comfortable room with a blanket, a hot drink, calming music, and a book in my hand is my escape. It’s as if the second I begin reading, my mind goes blank, and I teleport into a safe space where all those negative thoughts can’t reach me. My own little heaven. It’s as if my problems were tuned out, and I went into a new dimension. Every page, chapter, and character tunes out everything, and I am in peace. Reading is my happiness. Reading is the place I run to when things get too much. Reading is the hand that guides me and teaches me. It shows me various situations and how they can be solved. It’s my escape, but it’s also my teacher. And it’s the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I survive the week and reward myself with a book, so it doesn’t seem like I am moving towards nothing. These small rewards during a tough, challenging journey are what keep me moving. And that is what keeps my brain happy even when life is not treating me well.

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