Surrounded, Yet Still Alone

“It’s okay to be alone.” I tell myself this every day as my friends carry on with their conversations and I sit there and listen. As if my presence was never known to them. On their birthdays, my friends would receive gifts, hugs, letters, and everyone’s kind words. I would wish them a “Happy Birthday”, and in turn wish on the inside that I no longer had a summer birthday. I too wanted to hear “Happy Birthday!” from my friends and receive hugs, instead of the usual birthday song and cake with my direct family.

Being left out all the time made me wonder, “Is it really okay to be alone?” Is it really okay to feel that empty void, that empty feeling, which only craves to be paid attention to? The answer to that question? Yes, yes it is.

My main escape from this desolate place has been music. There is never a day that goes by where I’m not listening to music. I find it pleasurable putting in my AirPods and switching to noise cancellation mode. It feels as if I’m able to drown out every negative thing surrounding me. Stress from upcoming tests, procrastinated tutor homework, the pressure to keep bettering myself, it all disappears as I drift into the comfort of this make-shift “home” my favorite music creates.

Another source of comfort for me was my favorite childhood shows. Once in a while when I manage to free up some time, I like to turn on Netflix or Disney Plus and rewatch my favorite shows! It’s nice to take a moment for myself to relive my childhood again through these shows.

Feeling excluded all the time is the worst feeling in the world without a doubt. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Distancing myself from people has allowed me to explore new hobbies and discover who I am as a person. Although it sucks to just sit and listen a lot of the time, I know that I will still have my favorite songs, movies, and shows, to help get through life. There are definitely times where I actually feel included with my friend group! But sometimes I will feel ignored. Just knowing that I have something to get me through each day makes it not seem so bad after all.

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