Complex Feelings

Just like many other people, I want to be in a relationship. Even though they seem high maintenance and overall just another problem to deal with, I’m curious about how it feels to be loved romantically. However, I am very oblivious to all the types of love and things similar to it. I just tend to label any love other than platonic and anything that feels similar to love as romantic. For example, I can’t figure out the difference between having a crush, being in love, admiration, having an obsession, and feeling understood. Overall, the feeling of romantic love can be difficult to differentiate from similar feelings like admiration if you lack experience with the feeling, which would lead you to having trouble identifying it.

Obsession is a difficult feeling for me to identify since it is very similar to admiration and love. I usually mix it up with admiration and love because my obsession usually stems from my admiration for someone. I tend to find myself doing anything for them or their attention, even if it is just a few seconds, since I am obsessed with the idea of being with them. However, after a while, I soon realize that I don’t want to actually be with them and that I was just obsessed with how admirable they are. My obsession problem makes me think of an animated film called Scavengers, since they are obsessed with this blue ball that makes them feel calm and at peace and they would do anything for it.

Another feeling that is difficult for me to differentiate from love is feeling understood. I was never really understood when I was little, and I was also very lonely too when I was a kid. The feeling of not being understood and the feeling of loneliness when I was kid affects me now since when I feel like someone really understands me and connects with me now, I usually confuse that connection with love. At first and for a while I would think I’m in love with them because they understand me, but after a long while, I notice that I was never romantically in love with them. As claimed by Doc Daniels, I just really platonically loved them since they made me feel understood and not lonely and it was just “…great to hear a human voice in place of the ringing, you know?”

The most difficult thing that is the hardest for me to differentiate from the feeling of genuinely being romantically in love with someone is crushing on someone. This one is the most difficult to differentiate since they both are romantic feelings, but love is much deeper than just a crush and crushes can also be platonic too. A crush can be defined as someone that we feel strongly attracted to. In the previous paragraphs, you can see that when I feel a strong connection or emotion to someone then I automatically think it is love, which is why this is the hardest to differentiate. Crushing on someone for a very long time can also lead to falling in love with them which is why it is even more difficult since they are very alike. The things that I would do for them, the lengths I would go for them, and the feelings I feel make me believe that I am in love with them, too. The lengths I would go for them reminds me of a character from a movie called Spirited Away. Their name is Chihiro and risked her life trying to save another character named Haku multiple times. Yet, after a while the feelings I have for them go away after a few weeks and it feels like I never had any romantic interest in them.

Even though I still have a desire to be loved since I’ve never been romantically loved, I think that it would be best for now to not involve myself in any relationship. Only having platonic relationships with people is easier to handle and I don’t have to worry about identifying the feelings I feel. Although my trouble identifying and differentiating romantic love and emotions similar to that are probably because of my lack of experience with the feeling, I think it would be better off that I just don’t go through that whole mess.

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