Procrastination

I love going to school to see my friends, and I love being around the people that make me happy.  However, even though I like school for the most part, the deadlines and the tests always get me.  Procrastination is my worst enemy.  I know I shouldn’t procrastinate, but I have to.  I can’t physically not procrastinate.  It’s not as easy as it seems. There are so many things going on in my day that I don’t have enough time to complete anything.  All of my clothes are left unfolded, the laundry is left undone, and my missing assignments are piling up day by day. There are so many things going on in my life, there is no time to think about what I want to do and what I don’t.  So then I push everything right up until the deadline, and within a day I’ll pin my eyes awake to finish the assignments due the next morning, after all, I am a procrastinator, not a bad student. 

Healing

People might think that it’s weird when I say I don’t necessarily want to be better.  Why? Doesn’t everyone want to be better than they were yesterday?  Isn’t everyone always reaching for an unattainable goal they set for themselves?  Isn’t it just human nature to want to be healthy and better?  If so, why doesn’t that apply to me?  It’s not that I don’t want to get better, it’s just that I am comfortable with where I am.  I like to stay in the same spot. I like to dwell in the same life I have been for the past 15 years, I’ve already done it for 15 years so.  I find comfort in my illness and where I stand. It’s dark, comforting, and only slightly terrible. And to be honest, I can’t see all that far ahead at all from where I’m standing. But just sometimes, just sometimes I ask myself, is it really comfortable here?  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s fear, fear of the unknown.  If I have lived one life for 15 years, isn’t it natural to be scared to live a life so unknown?  Yes, yes it is. But fear is subjective, fear only lasts for a short while, and then that fear also turns into comfort.

Validation

I crave people’s words.  I want someone to tell me that I’m good at something and that I can get far in life.  Validation is subjective to everyone, someone might feel validated if a stranger were to tell them that they like their clothes, or someone might feel validated when their parents tell them a good job on a test score. But it’s all the same, when the sweet words come out of someone’s mouth, ringing like music to your ears.  You’re left with a sense of accomplishment, even if you don’t necessarily feel accomplished. These words are the words that keep you going. But what if one day, people just decided that you weren’t good enough?  What if the one person you had been seeking validation from decided to stop?  Would you end up stopping?  Validation is the act of begging on your knees for people to appreciate you and acknowledge your efforts.  Validation is KNOWING that you are not good enough for yourself, so you have to go to others to ask for it. 

Good Byes

Goodbyes are supposed to be good, good for the heart and the mind, but they aren’t. Goodbyes are meant to tell the other, “have a good rest of your life without me!” But no one told me how goodbyes are really painful. To the friends that I left without saying goodbye, I always thought that somewhere along the way I would get the chance to see them again, but now I wish that I hugged them a little bit tighter. I wish I had said longer goodbyes, and I wish I had left one more memory with them, even if it was faint. Goodbyes are hard and difficult, but sometimes they are good.  Sometimes you’d be better off without a person in your life, but their goodbyes still hurt.  So even if the person is bad, even if the person had been torturing you for the longest time ever, goodbyes will still hurt, no matter what.  

Memories

I was always told to make memories before I forget them, to have fun, and to live in the moment because, if it’s something that we live for, it has to be our own memories.  You could say the purpose of life is to make memories, and that’s a very heavy word since there are so many reasons why we live. Memories are what make us individually our very own person, everyone is a happy hour of good and bad memories and that builds who we are today. And depending on how you learn from those memories can shape and impact the type of person you are for the rest of your life.