Laughs and Giggles
When I was younger I would be very shy and cautious of the people around me, but I met new people after transferring elementary schools and started to open up to others. I think I started to be more outgoing and social was in 7th grade when I became friends with my current best friend; She was and still is a very friendly person and seeing the way that she was so outgoing made me want to change myself and become more friendly and outgoing, rather than being the shy and awkward person I have always been.
Honestly, I’ve always been afraid of other people’s perception of me. This allowed me to read people’s emotions clearly and know when I started to annoy other people, because I valued what they thought of me and didn’t want them to think of me negatively. I feel as though I’m surrounded by many people in my life that I love, but I won’t ever be able to open up and be my true self because of the need for validation and reassurance from others around me and that allows me to not fully feel like I have a connection with them.
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While I was younger I would always cling to the things that mattered the most to me, stuffed animals, siblings, and parents. I was always searching for familiarity, and even now as a teenager I still cling to many things but mostly I am very clingy towards my friends and family. Whether it’s because I’m cold or if I’m sick I will always find an excuse to hold onto someone or something. It helps me find a sense of familiarity with different things around me.
I believe that I became a very clingy person because of how I grew up. My parents would shower me in love and hugs and I’ve just grown more and more accustomed to it. Now beginning my teenage years I started to argue with them more and more whether it’s the fact that I’m stressed or tired. I’ve started to grow distant and I believe I started to search for that affection from my friends instead of them.
I believe that when I started to grow older and started to grow into my teenage years my relationship with my parents became really strained. I started getting into arguments with them more frequently and during one of my fights with them my dad called me something that has always stuck with me, he called me selfish. It shocked me, I always thought that I wasn’t a selfish person. I was always there to help my friends with anything they needed but I guess to my family I didn’t seem that way.
Even unprovoked I will be sent back into the memory of my father calling me selfish, that was the only thing I could think about whenever I talked to him, I could only think, “Am I selfish?”, “Do my friends think I’m selfish”, and more. Now the things I say or do, I put much thought into, whenever I hangout with my friends I never try to take control or be the one making them do things for me and instead it would be the other way around. Even still I wonder if they think I’m selfish or does my dad do?
My parents were immigrants trying to find their way through America and the place they first decided to settle into was Phoenix, Arizona, but they didn’t stay. When my parents moved to California they chose to stay in Garden Grove out of everywhere else, not Cerritos, not La Mirada, and not even Anehiem. I always wondered why they chose to stay in Garden Grove, and nowhere near their businesses. In my early school years I never remembered staying in one place. I moved during semesters to different schools while my parents were looking for different houses to stay in. It was until the second grade where I moved to Bryant Bear Elementary.
But, I moved again. I was really upset about moving to Fountain Valley, I wanted to stay in Garden Grove and be with my friends and honestly I still wished I stayed in Garden Grove. Moving to Fountain Valley was always inevitable though, my dad’s only goal when I was younger was to move to Fountain Valley and allow me to go to FVHS. I miss my old friends from Garden Grove though.
My heart beats as fast as ever, sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in a body of water reaching out for anyone who can help me. “Anxiety,” she told me, anxiety? I wondered why I often felt like I was suffocating when I was overwhelmed. Now I know why. I wondered if there was a cure anyway I could cure ‘anxiety’, but no there was no cure. I wasn’t alone though I had many friends that were suffering from the same thing, it made me feel more normal.