I tend to get attached to people very quickly. No matter how hard I try not to, it always happens. There was this one person I used to be friends with. Keep in mind the “used to be”. He has gone through a lot of stuff and I wanted to help him the best I could about his bad habits. We used to be so close and play so many games together, like games like Pokemon and Uno and childhood games like Minecraft and Roblox. I remember when we were talking while playing a game and he was ranting about how all his toxic friends dropped him. He seemed trustworthy so I trusted him, but he was actually as toxic as a snake and 500 poisonous spiders. He was like a rope around my neck and the longer our friendship lasted, the tighter the rope got and the air I was losing was my happiness. He would guilt trip me and manipulate me to stay his friend, but in reality he was just using me as someone to vent to and he wanted someone to suffer with him too. Letting go of him hurt because he was always my player 2 (I am not trying to imply that I liked him romantically), but it was relieving that the rope has been cut and the ginormous human-shaped weight is off my shoulders. I now have better friends, friends that care about me and let me breathe.
“Dieu-Mi”. That’s my Vietnamese name. “Thao-Mi”. That’s my older sister’s Vietnamese name. Even though we both have different names, people always mix my name up with hers, but they never mix her name up with mine. They always told me it’s because we are both so identical and alike and that I am like a mini her, but I don’t think so. She has always been timid and quiet when she first meets people, but she actually loves to party and I’ve always been social and outgoing, but I hate places with crowds and many people. She has always been a straight-A well-behaved student, while my grades weren’t that good, nor was my record. We have many differences yet we share the same blood. We have many differences yet they always see me the way they see her.
Eye for an Eye
Ever since I was little, I always felt like an outcast. In elementary school, many people hated me, made fun of me, thought I was weird, however I wasn’t aware that they thought of me that way until middle school. In elementary I thought we all got along but ever since I realized it was all fake and that they were actually serious about their “jokes”, I’ve changed a lot. When hearing that they called me weird and that a lot of them hated me, it really hurt since I didn’t know that I was hated the entire time but this realization helped start a change in me and now I am kind of who I’ve always wanted to be. I never had a “real” personality in elementary school and I always felt like my personality was made up of what other people wanted me to be like and what the people around me were like. However, by now I’ve kind of found myself and my own personality. Without people bullying me, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I still despise them for never telling me that they hated me and thought I was weird and made me find out myself, but that also helped create who I am today because now I’m not that gullible as before and I also stopped doing things to please other people and just myself.
I was never properly taught Vietnamese even though I’m fully Vietnamese. I barely know any Vietnamese, but my grandma tried her best to teach me as much as she can. However, she doesn’t know much English either, so it was very difficult for her to try to teach me. Eventually she gave up, but she made sure I was connected with my culture. She always cooked Vietnamese food and made sure I remembered the names of them. She made my parents teach me some traditions and we always participated in Lunar New Year. Till this day she tries to indulge me with anything related to our culture and I know she will until the day she dies because she never wants our culture to die with her.
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When I was little, I used to lie a lot. I felt ashamed because I wasn’t able to fit in with everybody else. I knew I was weird and I knew I was out of place, so I lied thinking it would help. It became a habit to lie about myself because of how bad I wanted to be liked. I lied so often every single day to fit in with everybody else, but no matter how much I lied and how much they believed it, I was never able to fit in. Now, I don’t even know who I am. I’ve lied so much to the point where I have forgotten what is the truth about myself. What do I like? What do I hate? Who am I? I ask those questions everyday to myself, hoping that one day I can finally answer them with an honest answer.
I Need the Spotlight
When I was younger I was always told to study. To be someone. Growing up, my family struggled a lot financially. That’s why they wanted my siblings and I to try our hardest so we can become someone successful and not have to end up like them. I’m trying my best and I’m studying hard, but who am I going to be? Who can I be? Even though I study and study and work and work, I don’t have any talents or interests. This leads to a big issue because if I’m going to be successful, I need to somehow stand out or excel in at least something, but I’m a very average person. My grades are average, most of the classes I take are average, and I’m talentless. Knowing this, is there really anything I can be successful in? Can I really be someone? Will someone so plain, so mediocre, really be able to be successful in today’s standards?