I feel like crying. I feel like barfing. I don’t feel good, it is almost as if there is a spider in my gut that is crawling in my stomach- it hurts. It is almost like my organs are enveloping over themselves and intertwining into folds that naturally shouldn’t be there- almost as if its transforming into a new body. A new body, like when Chihiro’s parents transformed into pigs in the beginning of Spirited Away by Hayao Miyazaki- I am turning into a pig. It’s horrible, I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

This emotion is despicable. I feel so much pressure on me to do all my tasks, but my body keeps telling me no. I am on the brink of closing this computer, I am on the brink of just calling it a day.

But no. I must do my very best to pull through. Though I may feel sick in the stomach and more sleepy than my uncle when he drank more shots and champagne than he should’ve, I have to continue working. And I cannot let my work be half-hearted and suck, everything I must do must always be perfect. I can never turn in something I am not the slightest bit proud of, unless it was a group project that I had no control over on a section. From designing to writing, it must at least be decent looking and sounding to be published. It must be a masterpiece of sorts, a unique art like the toys in Lost and Found that are always different from one another and have different beauties of their own. Like my fashion designs. Like my slideshows. Like my infographic that consisted of thousands upon thousands of edits to make it, and hours upon hours to succeed in putting together. They must shine.

Or else I wouldn’t at all.

Image from Pexels

I know it is unhealthy, but sometimes I would just rather give nothing than give something that isn’t what I represent. I am known for quality, for good work. I’m not cheap. 

Because cheap people make me sick.

Not the type of cheap as in cost. But in their soul. In effort. In energy. Cheap as in their dirty selfishness, their two-faced smile that is cheap in real emotion. Their smirk is what always gets me, I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

Image from Wikipedia Commons

But you know what, I just have to deal with it at the end of the day. Because there is always going to be cheap people in the world. I will keep having work that I must turn in. And I will continue having stomach aches.

Like in Children of the Woods, I just have to hold on to my sense of individuality, despite all of the annoyances,

“knowing it need never be lost”